my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
