Your mouth is God's brothel.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
