Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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