i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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