Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
