turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
