I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize