You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
