why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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