i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
