i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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