Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
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