Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
