Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
