just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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