you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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