Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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