A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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