Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
