theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
