I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I forget how to act sober
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