ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
