I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
