I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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