Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
