it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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