thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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