i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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