my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
