life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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