oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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