Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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