I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
