Who wears a wallet chain?!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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