I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
