Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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