I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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