Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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