Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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