Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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