I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Randomize