I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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