I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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