She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
