i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
