I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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