I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
