At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
