Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
