I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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