First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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