I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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