I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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