my mouth tastes like poor choices
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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