i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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