maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
