If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
