Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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