I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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